Becoming a Writer.

The other day, I was just writing in my journal and randomly I decided to write a short story! It was about the perfect first kiss with a stupid boy I can't get over, and it was very therapeutic for me. As soon as I finished the short story, I thought to myself "ohmygosh. I should just write a whole book." So yup. I'm going to write a book. It's going to be a love story. Partially based on real events. In my life. About this stupid boy I can't get over. We have a seriously messed up relationship still to this day, but thats not how the story is going to go. I'm going to use a lot of stuff that happens between us, but I'm going to change the ending. Not that anything has necessarily ended yet but I mean well its complicated. Of course it's ended it's been ended for a long time, but he still randomly pops up. So I guess that's not ended. There is no romantic relationship except for the fact that I LOVE HIM. He just loves to torture me I think because I hurt him real bad last summer. But anyway, before I go off on too big of a tangent, thats what the book is going to be about I think. But I don't know what to call it? Haven't decided yet. It's going to be fantastic thought! It's going to be really really good for me, because I know getting published is like becoming an NFL player, but still, having written it will hopefully let out all these awful feelings inside me about this terrible "relationship". So wish me luck. Wait, its not like anyone actually reads this, so I'll just wish myself luck.

ROOMIE LOVIN

I just realized I have not posted about my new roommate this semester! Don't worry, the semester is just more than half way over. Anyway, her name is Amanda Jolley and she is my favorite person ever. We get along SO good. We are best friends and it's great and I love her. I just love her. I love her. I just do, we just i just love her. (inside jokes are lame).

This was a saturday night going to a movie at the dollar theater 

Valentines Day, Kyle Bryant sent us flowers and we got a lil cray cray with the petals!

Disco Skating was FANTASTIC. 

Manda has a Mac...so here ya go. 

Paris, France. We will go there together someday! 

Martinelli's on V-Day

Sometimes I Feel.

Sometimes I feel like crying, dying, lying. Sometimes I feel like screaming, running, fighting. Sometimes I feel like loving and sometimes I feel like hating. Sometimes I feel like rising, above or falling, to the ground. Sometimes I feel like flying, shining, smiling. Sometimes I feel like eating, creating, and playing. Sometimes I feel like kissing, singing, jumping.
Sometimes all I feel like doing is not feeling, numbing.
Either way, it's always a feeling, and sometimes that's just too much.

Wrapped in His Love

Suffocating in the darkness of my mistakes.

Trapped inside my own self-doubt.

The voice in my head screams unworthiness.

"Not good enough, not worth His love"

I broke down and it ripped open my heart.

Expecting emptiness to overtake me, I fell to the floor.

When instead, I felt His divine embrace.

At first I choke, trying to comprehend.

A waterfall of compassion splashes through my soul.

And I run head on into a wall of understanding.

He loved me all along, and the realization sets in.

It doesn't matter my mistakes, He is my Savior,
                                                       my God,
                                                       my King.

I feel His arms surround me and I know, I know I am never alone.

There is a Difference, I promise.

So I write a missionary. No, not the mish I blogged about AGES ago, he kinda fell through...haha he basically handed me off to someone else. But you know what, its actually better! Because that someone else is adorable and he is coming to BYU in the fall! :) So anyway. I write him sometimes, but that isn't what I'm talking about. The boy I tell people is my missionary, is Dallin Parker. Oh he is quite the sweetheart. We have written 13 letters so far its about one letter every week and a halfish. Anyway, after a few letters, instead of just saying "miss you" he started saying "miss you and love you". THEN last letter, he wrote I miss you and I love you. The "I" is the difference. The HUGE difference. I'm not reading too much into this am I? My mom says its a big deal.

Gimpy

So surgery is kind of a downer. But I guess you could say there are some perks! Haha I've done nothing but lay on the couch and watch whatever movies I want for ummm almost five days! Its relaxing. But ya gettin kinda bored!! Good news though, I am heading back to P town tomorrow night! I'm really excited to see Amanda I've totally missed her! I'm kinda nervous about the whole crutches on campus situation...but I think I'll figure it out! Surgery actually went really well this time around! Usually I get super sick from the anesthesia but I actually wasn't when I woke up! It still took me forever to wake up but at least I wasn't sick. Not until we got me in the wheelchair at least haha and then I sorta screamed the whole way out of the hospital which is really quite embarrassing considering we were at Primary Children's and I probably freaked a lot of kids out...oh well I don't really remember it so I guess I can pretend it didn't happen. I also didn't have any needle trauma this time because I made it very clear to the anesthesiologist that I would not let anyone near me with a needle unless I was at least a little sedated. So he decided to just have me walk with him back to the operating room where he gave me laughing gas until I was passed out and then he gave me the IV. Which was perfect! All in all it went well as far as surgeries go which is definitely a blessing :) However we did have a lil mishap when I got home thursday night. Because they gave my leg a nerve block. Which basically means they paralyzed my leg for about 24 hours. We obviously didn't take the doctor seriously enough when he said not to put me in any situation that might make my body try using my leg or else I would collapse...that happened. When we tried to get me into the bathroom when we first got home everything was going well until I lost my balance and my body naturally tried using my right leg to regain balance but turns out, that leg was completely useless just like the doctor said so I collapsed just like the doctor said I would. It was terrifying at the time but now I can laugh about it cuz turns out, I peed all over the floor. Pretty interesting weekend but I'm looking forward to hopefully a speedy recovery :)

Growing Up

Its a strange thing, getting older. Everything about us changes; a little bit each day. Our bodies change, our opinions change, our personalities, our hair color, our nail color, our wardrobe, our vocabulary, etc. I could go on and on. The fact is, we grow and we change. There is one little piece of us that is always constant. But that piece is tiny but in some ways, it really defines us. Its not even something I can name. I have no idea what it is; all I know is, I'm a very different person than I was a year ago. No matter how much my personality, my body, my voice, my hair, etc has changed, I still am the same Madeleine West Anderson. Isn't it strange that something can happen to us that takes, lets say, a few hours, and we feel like its changed us forever? For some people maybe its going camping or hiking or something and truly finding your higher power; or maybe its searching scripture and finally finding your testimony. It could be anything. Either way, I just think its strange. That an single moment, can change our thinking forever. It can change how we define ourselves and how we perceive others. Or even how we perceive ourselves. The most important as well as most difficult thing to remember, is that no matter what changes about you, you are loved. And you always will be. By someone. And it will always be God.