5am Because We are That Good of Friends

Don't we just look adorable? Its the morning, don't judge. Sometimes, Amy likes to come over at like 6am just so we can hangout a little before classes and such. Today, we fell asleep on the couch for a few hours and finally woke up. Pretty sure it bugs my roommates, but do I care? Obviously not. Amy is my best friend and if she wants to come over then duh shes comin over! Thats true friendship right thurr. 

My Baby Brother

My baby brother Ian. An amazing kid. We used to fight a lot, when we were younger. And when I say younger, I mean up until about six months ago. The thing is, I used to be uptight and kind of a bitch. But then, I found out Ian was struggling with drugs. It took me awhile, but I realized how much he really needed me. In about May, we started to be really close. Then in the summer, we started partying together, which brought us even closer. We still fought, but I am so thankful for how close we became. It happened for the wrong reasons, but either way its going to important that it happened for the rest of our lives. Two days before I moved down here to Provo, Ian was picked up for rehab. I know it is the right thing, but its killing me. I miss him so much. Every time something funny happens, or I go out with a new boy, or anything. I just want to tell my brother. But I can't. But I'm dealing with it. Especially now that I have been sober for about a month, I've found the right way to deal with it and we are getting even closer. I get to see him every Thursday night and we get to talk for a few short minutes with our whole family. He is doing so well and Thursdays have become the longest days ever waiting until its time to leave for life line. Because it is a Thursday and I'm thinking about it a lot, I decided I would post some pictures and memories. 

This is from a time in the summer when I took Ian and our other brother Holden to trafalga. It was raining like hell so all we did was play a round of glow golf. It was a lot of fun to be with just my siblings for a few hours.

Kid Cudi concert! Woo it was unreal. We had a way good time. 

July 4th me and Ian spent most of the night wandering around PG taking hilarious pictures and freaking people out. Ian found this giant tree branch and put it through his shirt and stuck it in the back of his pants. It was soooo funny the looks we got. I also had a not as big branch that I just carried around and pointed at people with. 

Cree and Jessica's wedding. We were a bridesmaid and groomsmen. This night we became way close. It is a fun memory. We danced like idiots and ate bites off a bunch of random pieces of cake.

I miss him every single day and he is always on my mind. I can't wait until he gets to start coming home a few days a week. I am so thankful he is my brother and I am so proud of him. I love you Ian <3

Don't Give Up

Everyone is always telling me, don't give up. No matter how hard things get, don't give up. Well, I am at the point where I want to say FUCK that and give up. Everything that makes me happy for like two seconds, gets taken right out from under me as soon as I admit I'm happy. Spanish class is going to be the death of me and I am buried under way too much make up work to even want to attempt the work. I am tired all the time and I hate getting out of bed. I never know what I want to eat and if I do, its unhealthy and expensive. I am tired of riding my bike to class. I am tired of being surrounded by self righteous people that judge me before they even know my name. My roommates are driving me crazy. There is always dirty dishes everywhere and they think they are my mom. Every guy I ever meet turns out to be a douche bag. Why are jerks the only guys I fall for or the only guys that I attract!? I need to figure this out because my heart is in pieces and if it breaks one more time, I won't ever be able to have feelings again. Remember James? Yep, not worth it. I finally opened up to a guy. After dating an abusive ass hole for a year and a half and then being used over and over again by different guys, I finally opened up to a new guy and fell for him. Hard. But of course I have to get hurt. Now I feel like I'm left with nothing and I can't deal with this ever again. I'm not dating another guy until Brayden comes home, this pain isn't worth it. But wait, I'm not supposed to give up right? How the hell am I supposed to keep going? I'll figure it out. Because that is the whole reason we are here, to figure it out. Get hurt, be happy, feel pain, but overcome it. When life gets to hard to stand, kneel. I am falling to my knees ready for answers. I won't give up but its going to be damn hard not to. Thank heavens for Amy, missionary letters, and prayer.

Missionary Letters Make My Day:)

This is Elder Brayden Matheson:) I like to call him my missionary. I don't think that its official though...can you have official missionaries? Haha whatever. Anyway. We dated a little before he left and I loooooove getting letters from him. They make my day every time. He keeps me working hard to be a good girl. He is a big motivation that helped me change myself after the summer I had. He is doing awesome in California, he has some really hard days but his example of dealing with hard days helps me deal with mine. Missionaries amaze me and I think they are all so incredible. I hope my brothers can be great missionaries one day just like many of our uncles and family and I hope many of my friends decide to serve worthy missions and I hope I can write them as well:) 

Change

I am in the process of changing my life. My summer was crazy and I know its time to grow up. I made stupid decisions but it was what I needed to experience to become the person I know I'll be eventually.
I know who I am now and I know what I'm capable of. I know what I want and I know what I have to do to get there. I could never accomplish anything without the amazing influences I have in my life. Of course, there are those bad influences. The hardest part about my current journey is becoming the good influence on those bad influences that I dealt with before now. I am not very good at resisting temptation when it is right in front me. My best option is to completely detach myself from those friends and those situations. That is one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life this far. I still haven't done it. I know there are a few people in my life I can never stop talking to, no matter the choices they are making. They are like my sisters and I wouldn't be who I am without them. I know I can be here for them and make a difference in their lives, but it is damn hard.
Change is what shapes us. We grow and we learn, but we are always the person we were born to be. We just have to find that person inside us and help him/her grow.
I am so thankful for the realizations I have made since my brother Ian left for Lifeline (a rehab in North Salt Lake). I am going to be here for him because we need to grow together.
I am so thankful to my friend Amy because without her, I would not be where I am right now and I can never thank her enough for that.

Turtle Train or Cheetah Express?

I am a very impatient person. Its something I have to work on constantly. I am impatient in every aspect of my life. I hate waiting in lines, waiting for texts, waiting for calls, waiting for parties, waiting to hang out, waiting for food (this is a big one), waiting for anything really. Waiting for boys. This is a serious issue. I hate waiting for boys to make up their minds, to kiss me, to admit something, to call me back, just whatever. Recently, I started hanging out with this guy, James. We went on our first date on September 13, so about a week and a half ago. After that, we hung out every night. We get a long so well, our personalities just click. We talked a ton during those couple of days about anything and everything. I told him about how rough my last few months have been and he told me all about his life. I have had the worst of luck with boys. I had a terrible terrible boyfriend for a year and a half and finally broke up with him in April of this year. Since then, all I've dealt with is stupid boys that hook up and make me feel like crap, until James. EXCEPT there is a lil problem. This week, he acted super weird. All week he was avoiding me, avoiding texting me, and avoiding hanging out with me. I didn't know what to do. Thursday ended up being one of the worst days I've had to deal with since Ian left for life line and I really needed someone to be there for me. But guess what, he wasn't there. Friday, I explained that I need someone around who is going to be there for me when I really need them. I'm done messing around. He explained he likes me and wants to take it slow because he wants it to last. That is a very sweet thing to say but I am the most impatient person you've prolly ever met in your life. So now looks like I am stuck on the turtle train instead of the cheetah express where I would much rather be. Its ok, I have a feeling this one's gonna be worth it:) 

Cupcake Girls Night!

So. Last night, me and Amy were feeling pretty upset at the boys in our lives. Well, I wasn't so much upset as just sort of bummed. But either way, we needed some serious girl time and what better to do than to stuff our face with cupcakes and frosting! So that is exactly what we did!

I ate about at least half of that carton of frosting not including frosting my cupcakes...Comfort food is definitely a real thing in my world! Yes, we know that we can get a little crazy in relationship/boy situations but hey, we were both hanging with TOM this week and that adds to the craziness. Don't judge. 

This is My Life

I recently turned 18 and moved out. Big kid on campus. Weird. I go to BYU. Yep, just call me cougar. No, please don't. Don't get me wrong, I love the spirit there, but I have lived in Utah County my entire life. I'd say its about time I experience something new.
Lately, all I do is hang out with my best friend Amy.

We do everything together. And we match everything. Its ok, we like it. I love her to death and I could not ask for a better friend to have at this point in my life. She has helped me through so much lately and I can't thank her enough. 

This is James. Too complicated, I don't want to get into that right now...

This is Crystal. We are totally crazy. Except, she moved to Wyoming for college. Thats 3 and a half hours away and I do not have a car. I see her when I can. 

These are my lovely roommates. Amber on the left, Whitney on the right. They are great! Except when they don't do the dishes, steal my clothes and try and act like my mom. 

This is my family. Mama, Holden with the crazy face, Daddy, and Ian with the scratched up face. I love them so much and I am so thankful for them. 

Well, this is pretty much my life right now. I'm sure i'll blog more about all these people and you'll know more and more:) 

Let the blogging begin.