Becoming a Writer.

The other day, I was just writing in my journal and randomly I decided to write a short story! It was about the perfect first kiss with a stupid boy I can't get over, and it was very therapeutic for me. As soon as I finished the short story, I thought to myself "ohmygosh. I should just write a whole book." So yup. I'm going to write a book. It's going to be a love story. Partially based on real events. In my life. About this stupid boy I can't get over. We have a seriously messed up relationship still to this day, but thats not how the story is going to go. I'm going to use a lot of stuff that happens between us, but I'm going to change the ending. Not that anything has necessarily ended yet but I mean well its complicated. Of course it's ended it's been ended for a long time, but he still randomly pops up. So I guess that's not ended. There is no romantic relationship except for the fact that I LOVE HIM. He just loves to torture me I think because I hurt him real bad last summer. But anyway, before I go off on too big of a tangent, thats what the book is going to be about I think. But I don't know what to call it? Haven't decided yet. It's going to be fantastic thought! It's going to be really really good for me, because I know getting published is like becoming an NFL player, but still, having written it will hopefully let out all these awful feelings inside me about this terrible "relationship". So wish me luck. Wait, its not like anyone actually reads this, so I'll just wish myself luck.

ROOMIE LOVIN

I just realized I have not posted about my new roommate this semester! Don't worry, the semester is just more than half way over. Anyway, her name is Amanda Jolley and she is my favorite person ever. We get along SO good. We are best friends and it's great and I love her. I just love her. I love her. I just do, we just i just love her. (inside jokes are lame).

This was a saturday night going to a movie at the dollar theater 

Valentines Day, Kyle Bryant sent us flowers and we got a lil cray cray with the petals!

Disco Skating was FANTASTIC. 

Manda has a Mac...so here ya go. 

Paris, France. We will go there together someday! 

Martinelli's on V-Day

Sometimes I Feel.

Sometimes I feel like crying, dying, lying. Sometimes I feel like screaming, running, fighting. Sometimes I feel like loving and sometimes I feel like hating. Sometimes I feel like rising, above or falling, to the ground. Sometimes I feel like flying, shining, smiling. Sometimes I feel like eating, creating, and playing. Sometimes I feel like kissing, singing, jumping.
Sometimes all I feel like doing is not feeling, numbing.
Either way, it's always a feeling, and sometimes that's just too much.

Wrapped in His Love

Suffocating in the darkness of my mistakes.

Trapped inside my own self-doubt.

The voice in my head screams unworthiness.

"Not good enough, not worth His love"

I broke down and it ripped open my heart.

Expecting emptiness to overtake me, I fell to the floor.

When instead, I felt His divine embrace.

At first I choke, trying to comprehend.

A waterfall of compassion splashes through my soul.

And I run head on into a wall of understanding.

He loved me all along, and the realization sets in.

It doesn't matter my mistakes, He is my Savior,
                                                       my God,
                                                       my King.

I feel His arms surround me and I know, I know I am never alone.

There is a Difference, I promise.

So I write a missionary. No, not the mish I blogged about AGES ago, he kinda fell through...haha he basically handed me off to someone else. But you know what, its actually better! Because that someone else is adorable and he is coming to BYU in the fall! :) So anyway. I write him sometimes, but that isn't what I'm talking about. The boy I tell people is my missionary, is Dallin Parker. Oh he is quite the sweetheart. We have written 13 letters so far its about one letter every week and a halfish. Anyway, after a few letters, instead of just saying "miss you" he started saying "miss you and love you". THEN last letter, he wrote I miss you and I love you. The "I" is the difference. The HUGE difference. I'm not reading too much into this am I? My mom says its a big deal.

Gimpy

So surgery is kind of a downer. But I guess you could say there are some perks! Haha I've done nothing but lay on the couch and watch whatever movies I want for ummm almost five days! Its relaxing. But ya gettin kinda bored!! Good news though, I am heading back to P town tomorrow night! I'm really excited to see Amanda I've totally missed her! I'm kinda nervous about the whole crutches on campus situation...but I think I'll figure it out! Surgery actually went really well this time around! Usually I get super sick from the anesthesia but I actually wasn't when I woke up! It still took me forever to wake up but at least I wasn't sick. Not until we got me in the wheelchair at least haha and then I sorta screamed the whole way out of the hospital which is really quite embarrassing considering we were at Primary Children's and I probably freaked a lot of kids out...oh well I don't really remember it so I guess I can pretend it didn't happen. I also didn't have any needle trauma this time because I made it very clear to the anesthesiologist that I would not let anyone near me with a needle unless I was at least a little sedated. So he decided to just have me walk with him back to the operating room where he gave me laughing gas until I was passed out and then he gave me the IV. Which was perfect! All in all it went well as far as surgeries go which is definitely a blessing :) However we did have a lil mishap when I got home thursday night. Because they gave my leg a nerve block. Which basically means they paralyzed my leg for about 24 hours. We obviously didn't take the doctor seriously enough when he said not to put me in any situation that might make my body try using my leg or else I would collapse...that happened. When we tried to get me into the bathroom when we first got home everything was going well until I lost my balance and my body naturally tried using my right leg to regain balance but turns out, that leg was completely useless just like the doctor said so I collapsed just like the doctor said I would. It was terrifying at the time but now I can laugh about it cuz turns out, I peed all over the floor. Pretty interesting weekend but I'm looking forward to hopefully a speedy recovery :)

Growing Up

Its a strange thing, getting older. Everything about us changes; a little bit each day. Our bodies change, our opinions change, our personalities, our hair color, our nail color, our wardrobe, our vocabulary, etc. I could go on and on. The fact is, we grow and we change. There is one little piece of us that is always constant. But that piece is tiny but in some ways, it really defines us. Its not even something I can name. I have no idea what it is; all I know is, I'm a very different person than I was a year ago. No matter how much my personality, my body, my voice, my hair, etc has changed, I still am the same Madeleine West Anderson. Isn't it strange that something can happen to us that takes, lets say, a few hours, and we feel like its changed us forever? For some people maybe its going camping or hiking or something and truly finding your higher power; or maybe its searching scripture and finally finding your testimony. It could be anything. Either way, I just think its strange. That an single moment, can change our thinking forever. It can change how we define ourselves and how we perceive others. Or even how we perceive ourselves. The most important as well as most difficult thing to remember, is that no matter what changes about you, you are loved. And you always will be. By someone. And it will always be God.

Numb

Seperated.
Unavailable.
Detached.
I feel nothing.

Divorced.
Isolated.
Free.
I feel nothing.

Its like,
I'm a robot.
I walk,
I talk...

But I feel nothing...
Because I'm numb.
And you can't fix it.

Trapped

Trapped within unspoken words,

That bind my mind.

Anxiety, defeat, distress...

Words that form a thought,

And yet do not explain.

Trapped inside the walls that contain

This life that is slipping,

Slipping through my fingers.

I cannot ignore the temptations,

The temptations that would let me forget.

It would be so easy,

So easy to let it all go.

Freedom, it would bring.

Breaking through the walls,

And the traps.

These walls and these traps

That bind my mind.

Stuck in a state of helplessness.

Crying out for help,

But only to myself.

I do not let,

No, I never let,

The sound escape my lips.

The desperation inside myself is never heard.

I alone,

I alone hear my pain,

My suffering.

They don't understand,

They can't and they won't.

These are my walls and my traps

That bind my mind.

And mine alone.

Remember that.

I want my love story.

I want my love story. I want that crazy insane passionate dramatic romantic falling in love story that are always in the movies. Sweep me off my feet and love me forever. Kiss me in the rain and hold me while I cry. Drive me to somewhere we've never been just so we can spend hours together in the car. Pay for my dinner and hold open my door. Rent my favorite cheesy movies and surprise me with flowers. Read all my favorite books with me while we sip hot chocolate and coffee. Take me to the mountains and kiss me like you mean it. Throw me in the snow and fall down next to me. Throw a pillow at my face and then kiss it better. Plan a day for a LOTR marathon just because you know how much I love it. Carry me up the stairs when I say I'm tired and bring me my favorite ice cream. Surprise me with lunch while I'm at work and text me just to say hello. Ask me to bake together and then eat cookie dough on the kitchen floor. Propose to me in the most romantic and cheesy way possible and then lets have the wedding of the century. Our whole lives I'll do this for you and you do this for me because we know we were meant to be. I promise I'll do the same for you. I'll make you favorite meals and wash all your clothes. I'll surprise you at work with two tickets to that basketball. I'll go to every movie you want to see and stay up all night when your sick. I'll be your forever if you'll be mine. Sweep me off my feet and love me forever.

Too bad that isn't reality. If only.

Rest in Paradise Brandon Michael Vance

Today was Vance's funeral. What an amazing service. I honestly felt such an unreal spirit there and I know with all my heart that Vance was there with us. He was smiling and hoping that we know he is happier now and in a place where he can truly come to know his Heavenly Father as well as be reunited with his daddy. It was a rough day thinking about how sad it was that he felt the need to take his own life. He was such a stud but he had some dark demons working their hardest on him and its amazing the way he handled them thus far. I think I'm finally out of tears and I can truly remember him as the boy Ian talks about all the time. I am just so thankful that it was not my brother in the coffin this afternoon and my heart goes out to his entire family as they try and move past this terrible tragedy. Of course, the one boy there to comfort me when I finally lost it at the burial was Cody. Unfortunately because obviously that made me miss him again. He just held me while I snotted and cried my guts out. Anyway I've kind of started rambling but basically it was a rough day but at the same time, I know Vance is finally breathing deep again and feeling the fresh air as he rides his skateboard along the canyons in heaven. Skate it up buddy we'll see ya soon :) RIP Brandon Vance

back to the daily grind (at least thats what everyone else says)

well provo I'M BACK. and ready to raise some serious hell :) i'm super pumped about this semester because first of all, i'm only taking 8 credits so my schedule is not bad at all M and W classes from noon to 3 and fridays from noon to 2. yup thats it. no classes tuesdays and thursdays yay!! also, i have another writing class this semester and i am excited to start working on my major! also, i moved into helaman halls!! totally new adventure in the dorms. but i already LOVE my roommate she is great! we get along super good and its only been a day. her name is Amanda Jolley and as soon as we take pics I will post some! She went to bingham and is like a freaking math genius. Our room is tiny but who cares I'm jus excited to meet tons of new people! Thats my goal this semester. Especially in the boy area. I SERIOUSLY need some new boys in my life. I definitely met two on NYE and smooched them...so we will see where that ends up. I'm jus excited for this new adventure :)

On a not so happy note however. Even though I know no one really reads this and this is pretty much purely for my own sake, a good friend of my brother Ian's killed himself this past weekend. On new years eve in fact. It is a HUGE tragedy as he was dearly loved by so many. However he was deep into hard drugs and was not in his right mind at all. I pray that he is finally at peace and I picture him smiling at me now thinking "I'm finally breathing fresh air again." I love him and he will always be remembered in my family. RIP Brandon Michael Vance.

i officially suck at blogging

So its been about a month. Haha my bad! lots has happened with ya know, boys and all that shit so i'm not really gonna go into details we will jus skip ahead and talk about my awesome New Years Eve!! oh but first I'll mention that I'm getting hip surgery on february 2nd so thats great:(

New Years Eve me and Amy went to Newphoria at UVU!! SO FUN.

just about ready to go!!

we met up with hollie and mallory and their friend!! 

and then we went to a different party so Amy could have her new years kiss with Ryan :)

That ended up working out for me cuz even though i kissed a super hot guy named Sherard at the UVU dance, i met an even cuter and closer to my age boy at the loft who i also kissed! Then we went to dennys and it was yummy and then came home at about 3am. Succesful New Years Eve with my best friend Amy Salo :)